Last weekend, I was enjoying a greasy breakfast with some old friends at the (ahem) appropriately and brilliantly named Hang Over Easy in Columbus, Ohio. ("Check it out, there's a working N64 hanging on the wall!") Someone asked, if you were a serial killer, what would the pattern of your crime spree be? What's your serial-killer fantasy modus operandi?
We all thought about it -- his friend had a good one, where he only kills people who look like faces from the Guess Who game. (Cards do not actually talk.) Well, my creativity bone has been broken lately, so my mind was stuck on board games, but I settled on a Monopoly killing spree, where I murder someone living on each street of the Monopoly board, beginning with Mediterranean Avenue. Anyway, this provoked some great discussion, and we eventually turned this idea into a movie pitch. So, presenting...
MONOPOLY
Go to jail. Go directly to jail.
Go to jail. Go directly to jail.
Open: a routine murder scene in Atlantic City. A poor immigrant mother is found dead in her apartment at 60 Mediterranean Avenue. Absolutely no leads -- no prints or any traces of evidence. Baffled and exhausted, disillusioned police detective Scott Cannon returns to his apartment and argues with his wife (a slightly run-down Gwyneth Paltrow) before crashing on his couch. (A Monopoly box sits unobtrusively on top of his bookshelf, almost indistinguishable from the clutter of the dirty apartment.) Cannon is awoken in the middle of the night by a cell phone call -- it's the Token Black Police Chief (Denzel Washington), and "you'd better come see this".
This time, a more gruesome murder scene. For some reason, the modest house's Title Deed (Baltic Avenue!) is face-up on the floor next to the victim -- "Was there a deed at the first scene?" The next day, we see the news and the city is in a panic over the murders and -- breaking news! -- a body was found hanging from the local IRS office. (Income Tax!) Cannon, enjoying a cup of coffee and watching the news on his day off, glances at the Monopoly board sitting on top of his book shelf, and we get a cut to him back at the station, frantically sweeping papers off the Chief's to clear room for a Monopoly board. Requisite "this is no time for games, Scott!" comment from the Chief, as he scoffs at Cannon's crackpot "Monopoly theory."
But when a train bound for Reading, PA is bombed the next day, killing 12 and injuring dozens, the media puts the pieces together too and sends Atlantic City into a frenzy over the Monopoly Killer. Cannon is assigned to the case with his tough-love, hotheaded partner, Jackson Carr (the guy from the "Make 7, Up Yours" ads).
Aware of the killer's M.O., people on the affected streets (e.g., Oriental, Vermont, and Connecticut Avenues) flee en masse. Enter sleazy real estate dealer Harry "Pennybags" Wormwood (Danny DeVito, reprising his role from Matilda). Since nobody wants to be on a street where they know they could be killed, Wormwood buys up entire blocks of dirt-cheap real estate, selling the majority of the plots to mysterious Iron Horse Enterprises. Wormwood, living large in his new-found riches and sporting a three-piece suit and top hat, refuses to cooperate with Cannon or the police, stating he was simply in the right place at the right time, and that he is selling the land to the highest bidder, no questions asked. (You're not gonna believe this, but officials find no record of Iron Horse Enterprises existing ANYWHERE.)
The police have more problems still, as the local Federal prison is bombed, resulting in a massive jail break. (Headline of the paper that Carr disgustedly slams on the table: GET OUT OF JAIL FREE?) The resulting petty crime spree, combined with the disabling of the city's water system, turns Atlantic City into a lawless anarchy for those remaining within the city limits.
The plot thickens as massive, bright-red structures begin to pop up on the properties sold by Wormwood, and the story gains national attention as the crime spree spreads out from Atlantic City into the rest of the country (New York Ave., Illinois Ave., Kentucky Ave.) There are still no leads and no clues as to who the perpetrators may be, save for Wormwood and his enigmatic business partners. The killing spree, finally, becomes a race against the clock as the nation realizes that it's only a matter of time before the next target becomes Pennsylvania Avenue -- best known for its 1600 block in Washington, D.C.: the White House.
I don't know if that's going to win any Oscars, but you can't convince me this would be worse than Cop Out. You just can't. If I forgot anything, or if I'm missing any obvious gratuitous Monopoly references -- perhaps the villain's spite comes from only winning Second Prize in a beauty contest? -- let me know. Other possible board games to make into movies: Sorry, Stratego, Don't Wake Daddy, Scrabble?
More as it comes to me. Keep checking the Delicious and Twitter feeds; I update Twitter a lot, and I'll try to remember to bookmark interesting things on Delicious again.
0 comments:
Post a Comment