11 December 2010

Awesome Business Idea

With a tip of the hat to my dear friend Edward in Cazenovia, my new business idea:

The Very Realistic Fortune Cookie Company™

What's a typical fortune say? Something like, "All of your family are well" -- an actual fortune I've received. And when I read that one, my dad was in the throes of a losing fight against cancer. Sorry, traditional, overly optimistic fortunes: YA DONE GOOFED.

Our premise is simple, really. Open up a fortune after one's Chinese-food meal, just like any other, except that our fortunes are more likely to resonate with the consumers. (Pun intended on that last word.)

For instance...
  • You'll probably never find whatever lofty vision of true happiness you have in your mind. LEARN CHINESE - 伤心 (sad)

  • Why bother saving money? The ex wife's taking half anyway, and these Miller High Lifes aren't going to pay for themselves. LEARN CHINESE - 贫穷 (poverty)

  • Odds are that you will get into a car accident in your lifetime. So if you haven't yet, you have that to look forward to. LEARN CHINESE - 恐慌 (panic)
  • No matter how much you diet and exercise, you'll probably never lose a significant amount of weight because you lack the willpower - just keep eating Chinese food. LEARN CHINESE - 意志 (willpower)

  • If you're very rich, you'll probably never be loved for who you really are. If you're very poor, you'll probably never be loved for you really are. LEARN CHINESE - 放弃 (give up)


What better way to end delicious meal of fried chicken and sodium than to read a fortune that will truly hit home?

And that's just to name a few fortunes - we'd hire a team of really depressing but clever people to write hundreds of unique, tantalizing fortunes. Feel free to provide suggestions; maybe we'll have a job for you!

The edible cookies themselves would remain the delicious subtle and understated sweets they've always been.

THE VERY REALISTIC FORTUNE COOKIE COMPANY™
Crushing dreams since 2010.


* - Just so we're clear, I'm only like 40% kidding about this idea. Investors, come hither!

15 November 2010

I hate ironing.

An incomplete list of things I'd prefer to do over attempting to iron a dress shirt:

  • Lick a cactus.

  • Have a snowball fight with Randy Johnson.

  • Write a poetic ode extolling the virtues of John Thompson III and Georgetown University.

  • Watch an episode of Sex and the City.

  • Watch two episodes of Sex and the City.

  • Eat a jar of mayonnaise.

  • Singe off all my body hair using a blowtorch.

  • Get chewed out by Jim Boeheim for ten minutes.

  • Ask Jim Calhoun about Ryan Gomes.

  • Munch on a nice hunk of tinfoil.

  • Pry my teeth out one by one with a rusty set of pliers.

  • Intentionally slam each of my fingers into a car door.

  • Hunker down for an all-day Tyler Perry movie marathon.

  • Count thousands of blades of grass, have some little kid come up and distract me about three quarters of the way through, and have to start over.


I can't think of any more. I don't like ironing, and I can't wait until I'm making 12 figures and I can just send my zillion-dollar shirts off to be dry cleaned every time I wear them.

14 November 2010

Employment?!

Well, I have a job now, selling MS products over the phone. This isn't glamorous but it will pay and pay is good and necessary right now. Raw sales experience is also supposed to be a fantastic thing for a resume.

Also, since it's not my dream job or anything, I still feel like I can do something exciting—move, travel, whatever–after I have some cash saved up. And I may have opportunity to advance; they've been hinting that they have another position in mind for me once I get my foot in the door.

So I'm excited about this. I have something to dedicate my time and energy to, something to sink my teeth into. I just want to do the best I can here and hopefully make a good impression.

I am trying to ditch these overly romantic notions that I need to be doing something "more" right now. I also need to stop living my life through someone else's eyes. If I live my life with integrity, cut a bit more of an assertive gene in myself, and do what I do passionately, I really do think things will turn out just fine for me in the long run. Sometimes, I'm not sure what to do with myself, but living for three years with someone else's wishes and desires always in mind... taking that away requires some getting used to.

03 November 2010

STINKY RESUME

Right or wrong, this is how I picture potential employers viewing my resume and cover letter...

26 October 2010

Career Check

I have nothing lined up job-wise right now, and while I was busy helping move my mom into a new place (and myself into the proverbial mom's basement), now we're settled in here and the job hunt has begun in earnest. At least I had a few thousand dollars worth of cushion saved up, but that will fade quickly; the only income I've had the past three weeks or so has come in the form of winning $150 by having the SU _9-WVU _4 square on a $2 board that hit three times on Saturday. (Offensive ineptitude, for the win.)

My tentative plan right now is to work this year, save up money however I can, and try to make a break for Spain next fall. Doing what, exactly over there, I am not sure -- the Spanish government's "Auxiliares culturales" (uh, "cultural helpers") program looks awesome, but part of me wants to do a program with some kind of teaching certification. Only issue there is that those cost money, and the Auxiliares one is free.

I don't have my heart completely set on Spain and I would go to South America, too, if the right opportunity presented itself. I am trying to keep any options open and apply for a bunch of different things. Although I already missed the Fulbright application period, that could be in play next year.

Basically, my head just hurts. I am ready to stop living at home but I'd be kind of stupid to just move out and start paying rent with no job lined up when my raison d'être this year is just to save up as much money as possible so I can have an excellent year traveling next year. Living at home is basically free, but I'm also 23 and I basically have nothing going for me in the 'Cuse.

One thing I really need to do is just form some dreams for my future, and to stop living my life for anyone else. It doesn't matter what other people think I can or should be doing. I don't need to be thinking in terms of how I want other people to view me, or how I think I want them to view me. I don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed of anything I'm doing. I'm a lonely, confused twenty-something and I think that's actually OK for a while. But while I'm getting things in order, I'd love to find some meaningful work and save up some money.

Just feeling overwhelmed and underwhelming, at the same time. A potent cocktail of discontent.

19 October 2010

At-Bat Music

Something I think about periodically, because I'm an idiot, is what my at-bat music would be were I to make the big leagues. According to MVP Baseball 2005, your at-bat music must fall into a predetermined category based on your race:

  • Latino players and American guys with Latin-sounding last names have some kind of salsa tune. No exceptions.
  • American black players get either a generic hip-hop beat or the Time ta Get Dirty song that was inescapable in the 2005 EA games. (PEEEEE-OPLE TIME TA GET DIRTAY PEEEE-OPLE TIME TA GET DIRTAY!!!!!!!!!)
  • White guys -- that's me! -- are apparently all rednecks and have this awful-sounding country thing.
  • Guess they didn't know what to do with the Asian players because they get a song from the game's soundtrack that actually doesn't sound like crap.

In real life, this pattern surprisingly breaks down, and you can pick whatever music you want. My ideas...


Abra Cadaver, by The Hives - Either a loop of the intro, or just as much of the song as they can play before I finish taking my sweet time getting to the batter's box. Up-tempo, awesome instrumentation, doesn't get old. The ideal choice, despite being more than a few years old. THEY TRIED TO STICK A DEAD BODY INSIDE OF ME!!!


Good Times Bad Times, by Led Zeppelin - Might be too sentimental and not quite quick enough, but I love this tune and, really, hard to go wrong with Led Zeppelin.


La raja de tu falda, by Estopa - If I were playing in low-low-low-low-A ball in Puerto Rico or something, or just trying to mess with people. This song is Spanish, not Latin American, but I don't think that would bother the producers of MVP Baseball 2005.


Blackest Eyes, by Porcupine Tree - This song has one of the dirtiest riffs I've ever heard, with great buildup, but it might start too slowly to be good at-bat music unless I could have it queued up, and I don't know if they're paying the stadium DJ enough for that. If I have a radio talk show someday -- sort of a dream of mine, to be honest -- this will be the intro music.


AND A FEW THAT WILL NOT FIRE ANYONE UP BUT WOULD BE HILARIOUS ANYWAY


New Age Girl, by Deadeye Dick - better known as "Mary Moon," the song from Dumb and Dumber. This song is inconceivably awful, but hardcore Dumb and Dumber fans are a special breed and this song can be fun to belt at the top of your lungs across European capital cities. Somehow, the "don't eat meat / but she sure like the bone" line didn't make it into the movie.


Dies irae from Verdi's Requiem mass - This is BADASS and would certainly be awesome, especially as a closer's intro music. I just don't know if the average, mainstream baseball fan is ready for an everyday player with choral music as his at-bat music. But tell me this wouldn't sort of freak the other team out, especially if they weren't expecting it.


This song. I probably haven't thought about this as long as I could have, but really, I can think of no worse song for the mood and purpose of at-bat music than this, although Ms. Leona Lewis and Radiohead's "No Surprises" are certainly worthy mentions as well.

08 October 2010

Instant Replay in Baseball

In light of a few bad calls during this week's Division Series -- namely, the supposed trap by Greg Golson of the Yankees against the Twins and Buster Posey's slide against the Braves -- there has been a lot of talk about instant replay in baseball. Bobby Cox and Bruce Bochy were both spouting off about replay in their press conferences last night, saying that there would be too many "arguments and red flags" and that it would "slow the game down."

I don't know how many times I have to say it: IT WON'T SLOW THE GAME DOWN IF YOU DON'T LET IT. Make rules about replay so it won't turn into a free-for-all where replays dominate the game (like the NFL).

My pet instant replay theory is this: Each team gets one challenge per game. Win or lose, you don't get to challenge another play that game.

This works on so many different levels. With only one challenge, chances are most of the time both teams will get through an entire game without using one. Why? Because it forces you to be judicious. Wasted your challenge on a close play at first with nobody on in the third inning? Sucks for you if there's a blown call against you when you're scoring the winning run in the ninth -- you already used your challenge. Since nobody wants to be that manager, chances are challenges will go unused more often than not.

At most, there will be two challenges per game (plus any close home run/foul calls, which should be automatically reviewed as they are now). If done efficiently -- either by an "eye-in-the-sky" umpire at the park or from a "Batcave" at MLB headquarters -- these reviews will be quick. There are plenty of other ways to trim significantly more time from baseball games outside of replays, including further limiting mound visits, penalizing pitchers or hitters who stall, and reducing warm-up toss times.

Additionally, contrary to what Cox and Bochy stated, the number of arguments (and their durations) will decrease. In the current system, after a bad call, the manager runs out of the dugout and screams at the umpire for a few minutes, gets tossed, makes a scene and takes his time leaving the field, and then the game goes on like nothing happened. With challenges, there won't be lengthy arguments. The manager will just toss his flag (or whatever) on the field before the next play, and the replay monitors will decide what the correct call is.

I have lots of specific situational rules for this -- namely, that you can't argue balls and strikes or things that would be blatantly uncorrectable -- but that's the basic framework. One challenge per team per game, win or lose. Home runs still reviewed automatically. Try to tell me that would slow the game down. Seriously.

30 September 2010

...

Moving twice in a month and dealing with a bit of an emotional trauma like things ending with Resident Girl. But now I have the world at my fingertips. I have to try to view this as an opportunity, whether or not I am sad as hell and confused about what the heck to do with my life. I need two things though: a hobby, and a passion. I have hobbies but not one productive thing I fall back on when bored aside from cruising the internet and reading sports crap and watching dumb videos. I need something that will further my education and quality of life. I like doing nothing but I can't always do nothing.

I need a passion, too, but I really don't know what to do there. I love the arts. I will write more later when I am not so drained.

24 September 2010

The New Workout Plan

I just finished a jog of four miles in 95º heat as a warmup for an 8-mile jaunt tomorrow and I feel pretty good about myself for it. This is something like the tenth week of my half-marathon training, and I can feel my knees starting to hate me -- especially since I also work a job where I am on my feet in uncomfortable shoes for 6-7 hours at a time. I am not signed up for a race and I am not really sure if I will be able to run the full 13.1 miles on the appointed day, but training has been a lot of fun and I've really started to love running.

This would have seemed impossible to me about four months ago, as I was out of shape and really hated running. But for whatever reason, a few months ago I decided I was tired of feeling fat and eating like crap. I wore my weight pretty well but my good metabolism was bound to betray me at some point and I wanted to avoid that before things got out of hand.

A few months later, I'd lost about 30 pounds (depending when you start counting from) and I've kept it off. I figure I should document this, not necessarily because I think I've done something revolutionary and I want to tell the world, but more for my own benefit five years from now when real life has caught up to me and I've put on weight and feel like crap again. So, for your enjoyment:

THE MOST AWESOME WEIGHT-LOSS PLAN EVER

My brother was getting really annoyed with me when I started shedding pounds because he had been trying to lose weight and hadn't. He asked me what I was doing and I told him: diet, and exercise. He had been doing neither, so I wasn't surprised that he hadn't lost weight. He ate whatever he wanted, including going out for fried chicken tenders and fries about three times a week, and never did anything physical. And really, in a way, my awesome weight-loss plan was that simple. Diet and exercise.

Diet
When I made the decision to start losing weight, I realized that I didn't really DO anything physical (more on that in a moment). Without using any complicated calorie calculators or keeping a food journal or anything, I was able to see that. I kept it simple and decided that I would just eat a lot less, and at least for breakfast and lunch, I would keep it mostly to fruit and yogurt. I was working a 9-5 desk job so controlling portions during the day was easy: If I didn't bring it to work, I couldn't eat it. I also tended to wake up really late so controlling breakfast portions was no problem -- usually all I had time to do was grab a banana on my way out the door and quickly throw together my fruit-and-yogurt lunch.

I also drank a lot of green tea during the day.

Most days, I would be starving when I got home. I'd grab a quick, very light snack if I knew I'd be eating late, or otherwise I'd just hold out until dinner. Dinner was a much larger meal, and I aimed for some kind of protein (meat and/or beans), carbohydrate (rice, potatoes, or pasta), and vegetable. I tried to control portions and just eat my fill, which actually became easier the less I ate and the more I got used to my diet. Even though consuming most of your calories in one large meal is supposedly the exact opposite of what you want to do when you're dieting, I didn't have the restraint necessary to keep from eating big meals during the day, too. The moral there, I guess, is do what you need to do to keep from eating too much.

Most of the time, I'd have a glass of wine or two with or after dinner and maybe a SMALL bowl of ice cream. The nice thing was, portion control wasn't that hard because you actually remember what it feels like to be hungry, and of course, what it feels like to be full, instead of drifting all day in this nebulous "well, I COULD eat" phase (where you usually do, because why not).

I didn't deprive myself of foods I like, really, but I will say that after returning from Spain, really greasy and fatty food hasn't appealed to me that much. (The few fast-food burgers I have had in the 10 months since have left me feeling like I took a hook to the stomach from Sonny Holmes [yes, I know that's not a real boxer, but it makes sense to someone out there]). So that probably helped. But when I'd go out to eat, I'd just kind of eat whatever. I didn't go out a lot, but once a week I did go to my favorite bar in the Syracuse area and order a big ol' plate of "Scotchos" and chicken wings with one of my best friends, so there was that.


Exercise

I once heard that, when working out, you should "do what you hate the most." It might have been "do what you fear the most," but the message is the same either way because you would probably fear doing what you hate more than anything else.

I followed that advice and decided to try to start running. Any time I've ever belonged to or had access to a gym, it hasn't worked out because I've lacked the willpower to drive myself over there, shower after, change, etc. It's an ordeal. Running, though, is free. You can do it anywhere. You don't have to drive anywhere. You can shower in your own shower afterward and you can use your own towel. And you burn more calories per [time or distance unit of choice] than anything else. So I ran.

But part of the reason I chose to run was because I hate running. I had never run more than one mile in any one session, those miles were only done for school, and I had never finished in under about 8:45.

When I started running, I sucked. But I knew I sucked, so I decided to just run loops around my house. (I lived on a circular street about 0.4 miles in circumference.) I started slowly, trying to run a loop then walk a loop, doing as many as I could handle (or shooting for about 30-40 minutes) and making an effort to run at least as much as I walked. Over weeks, I crept up to run 1.5 loops walk 0.5 loops, and then I was trying to push myself by starting and ending my sessions with 2-loop runs. I was getting better but I never really thought I could do any sort of distance training (back to that soon).

I aimed to run three days a week, usually Monday/Wednesday/Friday but sometimes Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday. Whenever I did it, I tried to give myself a day's rest in between runs so I wouldn't get injured. (I should also mention I didn't kill myself trying to stretch every muscle in my body and simply stretched out a bit after my run, before I got in the shower.) On the other days, I sometimes took a short walk with my mom. I always, however, did pushups (and later, I added crunches as well). I started training with the hundredpushups program around the same time I started running. The workouts don't take long. While it's months later and I've kind of fallen behind and still haven't "done the hundred," I do pushups and situps every week and it's a nice way to keep active and build muscle on the days I'm not running. I feel a lot stronger in my upper body, my biceps have grown, and my chest has gotten tighter.

Eventually, I went for a run with Resident Girl (returning from her hiatus as Girl and before she became Resident Girl) and she said that I seemed like I was in good enough shape to start training for a half-marathon using the same program she had successfully finished in the spring. So, I did, and since I had already been sort of working my way into it for about 6-8 weeks, it wasn't difficult to get into, even though I had never tried running much more than 0.8 miles prior to starting the program.


Honestly, that's about it.

As I got into the training, I still ate well, and didn't eat as much as I used to, but I did recognize that as the runs got longer, I needed more calories in my body so I would eat slightly bigger lunches on run days (or carb-heavy dinners the nights before). Not that much more food, though. I would try to eat a piece of fruit in the afternoon a few hours before my run to give me some fuel (and as a snack to tide me over until dinner and give me some energy in the meantime). I still try to make healthy decisions, I don't drink that much, and I try not to eat out of the house as much as I used to. (Seriously, if you told me before I lost this weight that I'd be living within two miles of a McDonald's, a Burger King, a Domino's, a Pizza Hut with lunch buffet, an all-you-can-eat Indian food buffet, a Chipotle, a Taco Bell, and a Wegmans with a sub shop, and that a month into living here, I'd only been to Chipotle twice and Taco Bell once, I would have laughed in your face. Most of that food doesn't appeal to me that much anymore.) I buy lots of veggies and fruit to munch on, I have cheap granola cereal with lowfat yogurt most days for breakfast, and I snack on chips and hummus.

I'm out of gas here and need to shower before work, but I'm glad I got this on the record so I can kick my fat ass back into shape five years from now.

21 September 2010

Predictability and Repetition

Sometimes I feel like a lazy and uninventive* idiot when I play through video games I like. No matter how many times I play through certain games, I always wind up doing it the exact same way, no matter how hard I try to convince myself to do otherwise. You've probably done this, too, even if you're sitting there telling yourself that you don't and that you're much more creative and prone to diversity than I am.

A good example came when I was playing through Final Fantasy VI lately -- "Final Fantasy III" to the layperson, though the real Final Fantasy III is a very different (and also incredible) game. I set out to play through this masterpiece differently than I had before, using new characters and abilities to try to add to the challenge. But I got about ten hours in and realized that I was just using the exact same strategies I'd used to dominate the game many times over, and I stopped playing.

And this is all over the place. Even in games that purport to have great replay value due to the ease of diversity! I seem to always end up in the same ruts.

I remember sometime last year, a friend and I were hanging around watching my brother play Pokémon -- first generation, none of this elemental+color crap like "DIAMOND PURPLE" -- and he was slogging through the game for the 10th time that summer with the same old predictable crew: starting 'mon, Abra/Kadabra/Alakazam for most of the heavy lifting, Gengar, an Eevee evolution, and Gyrados and whatever feel-good benchwarmer he kept at the end of his lineup that happened to be able to learn Fly. I asked him what the point was of playing through this game for the hundredth time with the same exact strategy, knowing full well that after 10 or so hours (or less on TURBO MODE), he'd beat the game just like every other time.

He didn't know what to say.

My friend and I then gave my brother a challenge: use Game Genie codes or catch some 'mons and try to beat the game outside his normal formulaic approach to the game. He looked up the codes but balked and never did it. We, of course, suggested 'mons that were well outside the norm, like Muk and Mr. Mime and Rapidash and Seaking. Because that would be fun, right? Of course, we never did it either.

I think part of this is just a question of personality. My litmus test would be the Dynasty Warriors** games -- or at least the PS2-era incarnations of it. In these games, you walk around, and you kill everything. You do this until everything is killed, and then the board level is beaten and you move on to the next one. There is a certain comforting, reassuring aspect to a game like that. You know that there is a clear goal, and with a reasonable amount of skill, you know you're going to get there. If you hate Dynasty Warriors or other similarly goal-oriented games, you probably wouldn't be the type of person who would like to play Pokémon 30 times with the same lineup, either.

I fall victim to this. I often like games that might be classified as being "too linear" because you don't have to think as much, and that might make me sound like a dullard but so be it. So I can see how my brother (and I) can fall into this trap. Going through something familiar with a familiar strategy is an almost guaranteed sense of reward.

So I don't know what to do about this.

I did pass off one of my devious plans to my brother: an "ultimate low-percentage run." A common game to fall into the old trap of beating it same way a zillion times is Mega Man. Of course, there's a lot of Elemental Rock/Paper/Scissors going on that forces your hand, but you can beat the stages in any order you want, really.

I told my brother that he had to beat Mega Man X au naturale, with no powerups or robot weapons or even dashing, thus making the game ridiculously, unnecessarily difficult. It took him ages to do, even with emulator savestates, but he eventually did finish the "ultimate low-percentage run" using only one weapon other than the X-buster -- the Rolling Shield, required to beat the last boss. It was awesome and, of course, added some of the Spice of Life to his gaming experience that would have normally begun with Chill Penguin and ended with an anticlimactic final battle.

I think I would be well-served by trying some more ultimate low-percentage runs in life.

* - That's not a word? Really?
** - I will, if possible, from now on, link to things that the audience might not be familiar with via tvtropes rather than "the other Wiki" in order to try to get the world to realize how amazing tvtropes really is.

Genesis

I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I've basically realized that I've washed up on the shores of real life without a clue as to who I am or what I should be doing. I realize that I now find myself in the very unique position of being a twenty-something who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Still, it's a real predicament. The last almost 20 years have been spent being little more than a professional student. Now that I've (at least temporarily) retired from that position, I have this sense like everything I've once liked is gone and I don't know what the heck to do with myself, even in leisure time.

Sure, I have hobbies. I love to watch and follow sports. That's easy enough to do. But aside from that? I like gaming... but old-school stuff. I have logged FAR more hours on my N64 over the last few years than I have on my XBOX360 (or that of someone with whom I live). That's not a bad thing -- I'm a cheap date when it comes to video games -- but I feel silly continually playing through the same handful of classic RPGs and platformers I've loved since I was a kid. The world contains lots of NEW knowledge; too much to spend cooped up appreciating games made when I was eight years old.

My other principal interests are tough to pursue as a borderline-broke twenty-something living in a cheap apartment: travel, fine wines, and playing the French horn. (Too expensive, too expensive, and too loud, respectively.)

(I love good music and films but I can't bring myself to be so trite as to actually say "I like movies and music." Oh, really? That's so fascinating. Let me guess: oxygen and water are also high on your list.)

I'm also interested in physical fitness and keeping myself thin and healthy but that's more of a lifestyle choice than an interest and I'd sort of like to keep it that way. Kind of like how one can be Christian and believe in Jesus, or be Christian and believe in JEE-zus. With respect to fitness, I'm the former.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that, now that school's over, I feel like my identity is gone, and since I've done little more than dip my toe into other fields and passions, I'm left without many other true passions to sink my teeth into, except writing lengthy self-examinations with too many "justs" and tired clichés like "sink my teeth into".

So that's what I'm going to do. My goal is to try to find myself -- a career goal, a wonderful hobby, inner peace (and world peace?) -- by writing in here. Hopefully, something will jump out at me, both for me to latch onto and for me to gain a small but rabid fanbase writing about. As was once said about about Will Leitch's "Ten Humans" column, this may or may not work.

Oh, almost forgot, I like Spanish too. I need to practice Spanish more, so we're going to have to have some posts in Spanish up in hrrr. Deal with it.

16 September 2010

Speed-running

A favorite non-hobby of mine is video-game "speed-runs." I say "non-hobby" because I have never actually tried one myself. As of now, I just watch and enjoy. These things are recordings made by people who are just messing around, trying to make a name for themselves by beating video games, old and new, as fast as possible.

They fall into two categories, each with its own sort of home site and governing board. Natural runs can't be played on an emulator and generally discourage -- or at least make note of -- large-scale glitching and cheating. The best site for them is at Speed Demos Archive. I like these guys perhaps a little better because they're done without computer or emulator assistance. But sometimes, these videos do seem a little bit lame compared to their tool-assisted cousins, who reside all over YouTube and the internet but are governed well by the folks at TASvideos. The tool-assisted videos do use emulators to slow the games down and achieve absolute inhuman perfection, be it through manipulating normally impossible-to-control luck or executing frame-perfect moves that would normally be too risky... or sometimes just doing really, really weird stuff.

Some of my favorite runs are based on favorite games of mine as a kid. The Mega Man games have a sizable following, as do most platformers. If I had to choose one run in particular from each category, Super Metroid in 32 minutes is pretty impressive for a natural run, and Super Mario 64 completed with 0 stars is pretty hilariously amazing on the tool-assisted side.

A year or so of enjoying these movies and following the progress on certain games has understandably given me a bit of an itch to want to try this myself. I think if I did it, it would have to be on the natural side -- I love and respect the tool-assisted runs a lot but I am not sure if I possess the technical know-how or the patience to grasp the art form's (HA!) steep learning curve.

Also, the marks on the very popular games (Mario, Zelda, etc.) are impossibly low. So I kind of want to try a game that isn't already listed at SDA. My plan would be to practice for a few weeks on an emulator, and then when I go home, grab my Super NES or N64 (and a VCR) and get to "work". A huge part of these things, beyond the obvious complete mastery of the game in question, is planning and executing the most time-efficient route.

My initial thoughts:

Cool Spot
This is a Super NES game I loved as a kid, and it seems like a modest platform game that I'm honestly surprised nobody has tried yet. For those curious, you control the former 7up mascot, that red dot with the sunglasses, and shoot little bursts of 7up at things and collect "Cool Points" to save your identical Spot buddies from incarceration. While remembered mostly for its engaging plot* and certainly not for being a shallow marketing ploy by the folks at 7up, it's kind of a fun game, it has cool music, and it's one that I think I could really master given the chance.

Bubsy
Another SNES platform game, this one featuring an extremely fragile bobcat as the protagonist who starts with, hm, nine lives. The game seems made for speed, as Bubsy could run really quickly and the game loved to race forward, but doing that unprepared was basically suicide because, good Lord, any one hit in this game and you're dead. "Yikes," as Bubsy and our good friend Mike both love to comment. Bubsy 2 was a little more fair with three hit points, and neither has a run on SDA, so that's a possibility, too.

Eek! The Cat
Another cat-based platformer, I got this dog of a game from my grandma for my eighth birthday or something, and I was stoked because I liked the cartoon. This is easily one of the worst games I have ever played... basically, you don't just guide Eek! to the exit of each stage. Rather, you need to push and kick an old lady out of harm's way and get HER to the exit before her health runs out. She is constantly walking forward and this is even more unbelievably frustrating than it sounds. If that's even possible. Put it this way: I consider myself a pretty strong gamer, and I never made it past the first "world" of this game**. If I tried now, I like to think that I'd be able to, with another couple years' worth of wisdom under my belt. The only reason this might be an impossible game is because the damn thing has maybe the darkest, dingiest graphics of the 16-bit era (before the N64 really raised -- lowered? -- the bar in that department).

Any other suggestions would be welcome. This was really just a brainstorm for me.

* - not really
** - despite never making it past the zoo world of Eek!, I can sing -- from memory -- the music from the second world of the game, which you could listen to in the options menu. This is one of the most embarrassing iterations of my most useless talent: an ability to remember video game music from my childhood EXTREMELY well (but struggling now to remember why I walked into a room).

07 September 2010

SCAM'D

I finally did get a response to one of my job applications last Thursday morning. I wasn't kidding - I was as thrilled as I thought I'd be. For about a second.

The interview request was a poorly written email promising me $17 per hour if I could just enroll for this credit-reporting site and give them my credit card number. But I thought maybe, just maybe this was a legitimate company, so I did a little research on the company. I can't link to the site because it's already gone (it was www.ply-corp) but I looked it up and turns out it had been registered earlier that same day... in the Bahamas. The website was also curiously vague about what this company actually DID, and the hiring manager was a little TOO attractive to be believable. And there was no reference to the company ANYWHERE on Google. Hm.

Oh, and I found the job listing on craigslist, which should have been my first hint.

So I wrote an email back saying thanks but no thanks, and forgot about it.

Fortunately, I DO have a job tending bar and I have another interview on Friday so that didn't matter but I'm really glad I'm not a total sucker.

01 September 2010

The Syracuse episode of Man vs. Food: One Syracusan's Take

Note: Cross-posted from Nunes Magician...

This was a pretty run-of-the-mill episode... not terrible, not great. I thought they did the Dinosaur justice (though I wish they'd have mentioned the Today show thing that ranked it #1), and Heid's with Jim Boeheim was, of course, fantastic even knowing it was coming. I've never been to Mother's Cupboard so I don't want to comment on that... what'd the Nuneseratti think?

Minor Gripes:

  • Have you SEEN Onondaga Lake, Adam? Not exactly pristine, and calling Syracuse a "lakefront" town is generous as I think most Syracusans prefer to pretend Onondaga Lake doesn't exist and only acknowledge it by rolling up their windows and going to Lights on the Lake.
  • Also, it's not a Finger Lake and it's not pronounced OWN-ondaga.
  • What was the lacrosse thing all about, besides being a blatant filler and shameless plug for SU? (In the next episode it showed a picture of him playing lacrosse as a kid but they made no reference to that in the Syracuse show)
  • Would have loved to have seen a trip to the Hill—where would he have gone? I'd vote Acropolis, I guess.

31 August 2010

General mind dump

  • It bothers me when people don't add target="new" to their links on blogs or whatever; that just strikes me as lazy web design. I don't want my links to open in the same window/tab as the thing I'm trying to read because I'll lose my place. Resident Girl thinks that it's better without target="new" because "you can just press backspace" to get back to where you were, which I disagree with completely. I have made such a habit of opening links with "Open link in new tab..." because I don't even like to tempt fate and find out whether or the current site is a target="new" fan or not.

  • The most common grammatical error I see online is a complete ignorance of the difference between "its" and "it's". Lots of blogs are offenders, but one of the worst also happens to be one of my favorite sites. This is so exceedingly simple and there are so many grammatical mix-ups that are more complicated than this that most people nail. It's = it is. Without going into any sort of lecture about what a contraction or a possessive pronoun is, one can learn the difference that simply. If you could substitute "it is" for the word, use "it's". Otherwise, use "its" (which is the possessive). It's time to put this book back in its place.

    (Note: I would be a horrible example-sentence writer for a textbook, but we used to like coming up with nonsensical word problems. "Jonah has three red marbles, seven blue marbles, and one green marble in his pocket. If Marty rarely bathes, what time will the train reach Poughkeepsie?" Of course, Netflix ripped this off with their "bonus round" radio commercials, which don't seem to live on YouTube.)

  • I am afraid when I write cover letters that, if I punctuate some compound noun or adjective correctly, the person on the other end might not know correct hyphenation rules and mistakenly think that I hyphenated incorrectly. You know, that didn't sound as conceited when I was thinking it.

  • What's Britney doing with her life?

  • So glad I can finally dust off the ol' "hyphens" tag

  • On the front of an old record album I bought, there was a singer listed as "Dick Hyman." This is sort of an old record so it was probably made back when there were actually still people named Dick without a shred of irony, but... come on. You have to laugh at that. My mom did, so I didn't feel as silly or immature.

Where to work?!

Free blogging time! Want to bring this sucker back to life—again—but not sure what to do so whatever comes to mind will be written. (It is written.)

I've moved to a new city, once again far beyond the Vale of Onondaga, and I'm looking for a job. Not as fun as it sounds. I'm starting to feel a bit like the Wagon Fulla Pancakes and the Cheat as down-on-your-luck salesmen with all the rejections I'm getting. Actually, I'm not getting rejected. I'm getting nothing. I guess it's easier to just ignore something this day and age, where everything is done via email or fax, but it's frustrating no less. I've been applying to places all summer and have gotten nothing. I'm at the point where I would love an email back—any email back.

Dear Applicant:

Are you serious with this resume? Financial intern? What the hell does that even mean? You graduated with a useless degree for this position, you have no relevant experience, and we have no interest in ever hiring you, or even so much as hearing from you again. Ever. If you so much as attempt to contact our office regarding this opening, we will have our friends Sal and Vito pay you and your family a visit. If we were you, we'd just drop dead, you worthless sack of crap.

Respectfully,
Some Hiring Manager


THAT EMAIL WOULD MAKE MY DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT SOMEONE HAS READ AND CONSIDERED MY APPLICATION. In addition to responding to every conceivable anonymous post on craigslist (jobs section only, not getting freaky), I've started driving around and just looking for "Help Wanted" signs. Crude, but effective. It's hard to straight-up ignore someone who's in your face asking for an application, but it is easy to feign a language barrier if you work in a Japanese restaurant*. Based on what I've found and applied for... or something...

JOB OPTIONS

  • Dollar Tree (or, as Ms. Junkins called it, the "DS")
    PROS
    Getting to secretly make fun of every customer for being poor;
    It's right down the street—don't know if that bodes well for where I live or not;
    Employee discount!!! Hello, Fig Newtons for only 72¢!

    CONS
    General Dollar Tree stench;
    Only sell off-brand Oreos;
    No quality, American-made merchandise in there!


  • GameStop
    PROS
    Employee discount—seriously this time. I could buy all the Insane Clown Posse crap I want, and it'd probably be, like, part of my job to play the latest games, man;
    The place is air-conditioned and it closes at the reasonable hour of 21:00 (and doesn't open until like 11:00);
    I could embrace my inner geek and do things like play the Final Fantasy XIII battle-music French-horn lick without fear of societal repercussions (not that I'd ever do that, even in private)...

    CONS
    The general Creatures that inhabit that place—have you ever spent any time in there? It's not good, and they tend to try to make the clerks their best friend;
    Midnight releases of select titles would cause me to come home late at night, reeking of Red Bull and Slim Jims to boot;
    I would become bitter and look at my customers as caricatures of their actual selves as I judge through my preconceived notions (obviously, as it's already started)


  • Some law firm I applied to on craigslist that didn't give out its name
    PROS
    Probably get paid pretty well as a paralegal/secretary/clerk-type dealie-o;
    All the legal pads I could ever want (which is huge for me);
    Poder hablar en español si es necesario

    CONS
    Knowing that any one single coworker will probably make more money any given day than I'll make in a year;
    Knowing that any one single coworker will probably make more money any given year than I'll make in a decade;
    Becoming resigned to this fact and starting a life as a career secretary for rich dudes


  • The local, big-city Symphony Orchestra
    PROS
    Getting to be around something I love and have a passion for;
    Free concerts from an amazing performing group;
    Working in the city proper, giving me a real local flavor;
    Getting to work WITH people and not FOR them or in their assistance

    CONS
    Working with INCONSIDERATE JERKS WHO DO NOT REPLY TO CALLS OR EMAILS NO I'M NOT BITTER


  • The Airport
    PROS
    Perpetually singing the airport action-scene music from Dumb and Dumber like we did in Europe when we were late for a flight;
    Being somewhere where people openly expect to be miserable and have to deal with horrible customer service, thus greatly lowering expectations for me and my coworkers;
    Airplane jokes!

    CONS
    Perpetually thinking that I'm the very personification of Guster's Airport Song (ignore the weird music video)—"you'll be sellin' books at the airport"... ¡Viva Hudson News!
    Dealing with stressed-out travelers;
    Having to constantly remember whether or not "travelers" has one or two L's




There are lots more but I'm about spent here. Any awesome suggestions for where I should work?


* - yes, I know the Seinfeld host is Chinese.

29 June 2010

I'm gonna take a vacation from the Spanish titles for a while

I'd be remiss to not first make sure you are aware of the fine people doing the Lord's work over at TV Tropes. I discovered this site the other night (at the same time I usually discover interesting, addicting and time-consuming websites: Sunday night, right before bed). I've stayed mainly within the bounds of the video game section of the site, but from what I gather, the site as a whole seeks to name and find examples of common tropes -- not "clichés" -- present in various forms of media. It unearths the inane, the comical, and the downright annoying. I can already tell that TV Tropes is going to essentially dominate the next few weeks of my existence, so I had to bust out and tell the world. I linked it on delicious already, but this site is worth a look. Just start poking around -- even if video games aren't your thing, there's something for everyone. And just remember, no matter what, Revive Kills Zombie. If you're a console RPG player, this is a very good first read that links to a million other articles.


Gettin' my TV Trope on has made me think about tropes in other parts of life. I'll let TV Tropes explain the subtle difference between a "trope" and a "cliché" in their own words...

Tropes are devices and conventions that a writer can reasonably rely on as being present in the audience members' minds and expectations. On the whole, tropes are not clichés. The word clichéd means "stereotyped and trite." In other words, dull and uninteresting. We are not looking for dull and uninteresting entries. We are here to recognize tropes and play with them, not to make fun of them.


I don't know if I totally agree with that because a lot of the entries I've read have been on things that are very "stereotyped and trite" -- again, Revive Kills Zombie -- but I think the focus is more squarely on how these things are used to guide our expectations. What's important is not that we're tired of the tropes -- that's inconsequential. What I think this is getting at is that these things are conventions, or even strictures, of genres or types of media, and we've learned to identify them and use them to guide our expectations of how to experience that specific work.

Anyway, that got a little cerebral. I've been trying to think of other "tropes" in life outside of works of fiction -- things that aren't just clichéd, but when identified, give you a new understanding and expectation of what's going on around you. The first thing that came to mind was driving. I consider myself a pretty good driver. Over the years, I've taken many a long, solo road trip, and I commute a good half hour every day. I don't mean to say that I'm some authority on driving, but I think I am a reasonably educated, smart and safe driver. And when you're an educated, smart, and safe driver, people who aren't just tend to stick out*.

* - This picture really isn't funny... I mean, OK, it sort of is, but it's seriously pretty scary how awful many our companions on the road are.

So, I humbly present a few Driving Tropes -- when you see one of these schmohawks perform any one or more of these actions, or come across the object in question, you pretty much know what to expect from there. (Items with Seemingly Random Capitalization are things that could, and maybe should, be tropes in their own right.)



KING OF THE ROAD
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" --George Carlin

Most people have their own preferred cruising speed for highway driving. (This troper usually won't push it more than about 10% over the limit, because of police but also because it's hard to get his car over 75.) Whenever you are traveling on the highway and you see somebody in the left lane for more than the length of time it takes to pass slower traffic on the right, this driver will be very stubborn about his speed and refuse to yield to traffic moving faster than he. There is no shame or loss of manhood in moving into the right lane for somebody moving faster than you -- you and this person just have different ideas about safe speeds on the highway, or how fast you can push the limit before getting a ticket. Usually, to get by the King of the Road, you have to pass him on the right -- frowned upon, and actually a crime in Germany -- or wait until he finally decides to grant you passage. A true King of the Road may also act somewhat aggressively, doing things such as slamming the brakes to scare would-be tailgaters, or cutting off those attempting to pass on the right. He is usually a younger middle-aged person, often with a family, who's young enough to not be totally incompetent but old enough to drive somewhat slowly and resent those going faster.

A driver may not be King of the Road if he's in the left lane, as long as 1) he's in the process of passing someone slower than he is (Wait Your Turn); 2) he's following a truck or other large vehicle in exceptionally snowy conditions (Where'd The Road Go?); 3) he's just blissfully unaware of the "Rules of the Road", either by ignorance (Head in the Sand) or distraction (Elvis Textley).



THAT ONE TRAFFIC LIGHT
Every town has one: the intersection the locals just know to avoid. It seems that the light, no matter the angle of approach, is always red when you pull up. It may have excessively long cycles, multiple arrows (sometimes with illogical red lights accompanying them), mandatory timed pedestrian crossings, or the dreaded Arbitrary No Turn on Red. Usually, there are no traffic sensors, or they are broken or only function certain times of day. That One Traffic Light is often at a critical junction between major roads, adding to its daily hassle to drivers by all but forcing them to pass though it or take a lenghty detour.

Note that That One Traffic Light isn't necessarily just a busy intersection. It can be and often is busy, but what makes it That One Traffic Light isn't the volume of traffic but rather the inefficient or downright frustrating way in which the intersection was designed or the lights cycle. This troper often seriously wonders what fraction of his life -- as both a passenger and a driver -- has been wasted either sitting at or actively avoiding the "clusterfrick" linked to above.



AFTER YOU, SIR
Acceptable instances of breaking normal right-of-way rules do exist -- for instance, stopping short of the car ahead to let somebody turn left into a driveway you would be blocking when traffic is stopped, anyway; or, allowing a Pittsburgh left in an appropriate situation. Some, however, completely ignore conventional right-of-way rules and "wave on" other drivers in unwarranted situations. Although they mean well, they are unintentionally shaking other drivers' faith in well-established right-of-way rules and potentially setting up dangerous situations. Usually a middle-aged or older woman or a skittish teenager, this driver will often stop at inappropriate times to "let people go" when they should be concentrated on following the Rules of the Road and driving safely rather than concerning themselves with niceties with pissed-off and hurried strangers.

The worst instance of this is when Driver A and Driver B oppose each other at a green light, Driver A turning left and Driver B going straight. Driver B, thinking himself a noble soul, gives Driver A a wave and lets him turn before he and the other oncoming traffic go straight. This is a problem if there is room for a (rightfully) impatient car to pass Driver B on the right and proceed straight as right-of-way would suggest. Driver A is confused but accepts the gesture and the passing car slams into him. Some fault may lie with That One Impatient Guy who did the passing, but for all he knows, After You Sir may just have his Head in the Sand and be turning left without signaling.



THAT ONE IMPATIENT GUY
Sometimes, even good drivers might get distracted waiting at a red light and will need a toot on the horn to notify them that the light has, in fact, turned green. Other times, however, a driver will LAY on the horn when the light has been green for less than a second. Whenever somebody -- even you -- is late for a commitment, they will become irrationally and visibly annoyed by any minor inconvenience that would normally be ignored or shrugged off as part of everyday driving. Murphy's Law does come into play here, as That One Impatient Guy will think the stars are aligning against him and will take out his frustration though his car. He is typically a young professional and he will probably grow up to be King of the Road someday.

Examples of That One Impatient Guy's behavior include: Speeding up to a merge point in the lane that is obviously closed (Merge This!), excessively revving or accelerating when passing slower traffic, the aforementioned beeping at traffic lights, becoming the anti-After You Sir and taking dangerous left-hand turns ahead of oncoming traffic, gunning through yellow lights (or throwing up his hands in disgust when you don't).



LEAP-FROGGING REDS
When on a straight street in a city or town with a signal every block, the signals will usually be coordinated to 1) all be green at the same time, allowing for a steady flow of traffic, or 2) "leap-frog" each other with reds, with one signal turning yellow just moments after the one previous turned green. The supposed benefit of the Leap-Frogging Reds is obvious: prevent speeding by ensuring that a driver will have to stop at every intersection rather than blaze right through. Unless the lights are extremely well-synchronized, however, the tendency is for the opposite to happen. A savvy driver, especially That One Impatient Guy, will gun it off the green light to attempt to beat the oncoming red at the next intersection, in so doing driving more dangerously than he likely would have if there were no Leap-Frogging Reds to begin with. This becomes especially clear when one of the intersections in question is known to contain That One Traffic Light, in which case even normally sound and patient Defensive Drivers (especially those using the Smith System) will get antsy and speed to avoid getting trapped.



HEAD IN THE SAND
Different tropes can be difficult to pinpoint at first, but the most erratic and most difficult to accurately identify is somebody who is driving with absolutely no awareness for what is going on around them. They will randomly show instances of many other characteristics, sometimes alternating between excessive speeding and going 10 under (60 to 80 to 60 in Sixty Seconds), letting people turn (or not) at strange times (After You, Sir), waiting for a long time at green lights, and never ever signaling. Almost invariably an old person, you can't have your Head in the Sand in the strictest sense if you are distracted or a beginning driver. The Head in the Sand driver will infuriate others, especially That One Impatient Guy, by hanging in the left lane (King of the Road) or lackadaisically make turns at slower-than-necessary speeds.




There are a TON MORE but I've been sitting here writing for almost two hours so I'm going to call it quits. Any more driving tropes? And if you have a minute, by all means, check out TV Tropes. You'll be sorry you did -- quite possibly the most addicting site since Sporcle.

23 June 2010

Insanity

Can we just talk about what an absolutely insane day this has been?

LANDON DONOVAN. What a goal for the Nats. (Some people like to abbreviate the US Men's National Team as USMNT but that reminds me far too much of TMNT so I'll try something else.) I'm with Brian at mgoblog: You can try all you want to make sports objective and not get bogged down in cliché-ridden NFL talk about "heart" and "guts" when it's really about skill and matchups... but sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and embrace it. Especially when it's a goal in stoppage time to keep the Yanks' hopes alive in the World Cup. Sure, the US had been threatening the whole game, but that's grit -- no two ways about it.

Somehow, there's a tennis match at Wimbledon that's gone to 59 GAMES ALL in the fifth set (and counting, when they start it up for day three of the match). I know I'm not breaking any news here and I know nothing about tennis, but for all that to happen the same day as THE EARTHQUAKE that I think we will all remember is just remarkable. I was in my office, on the sixth floor, and I felt something a little funny... but more than that, I swear I saw it. It may have just been because I was moving, but it was almost like a shockwave went through the building. Everything moved and I had a weird sensation like I fell, and I thought I was crazy but everyone else in the room just stopped what they were doing and looked around as if to say, "what the hell was that?"

So in the span of hours, all this happened, and all I could think of was Dumb and Dumber: The TMNT wins in stoppage time! We see the longest tennis match ever! There's an earthquake in Syracuse! Our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!! Strange day. Oh, and there are supposed to be wicked thunderstorms tonight. Somehow, I think Ron Artest has to be involved in this.

BOSTON SUCKS! BOSTON SUCKS! BOSTON SUCKS!

12 June 2010

Monopoly: The Movie

[ed. note: I'm back from Spain -- have been for about six months now -- and I thought that might be the death of this blog. But here I am, a bored college graduate back in the 'Cuse, looking for an outlet for all the little ideas I have. (These typically end up somewhere between impractical and criminally insane.) Seeing as I'm home, I think I might bring this space back closer to what it was last summer -- remember what you've been missing? -- and table my "Spanish travel journal" format until I'm back in Spain, or something.]


Last weekend, I was enjoying a greasy breakfast with some old friends at the (ahem) appropriately and brilliantly named Hang Over Easy in Columbus, Ohio. ("Check it out, there's a working N64 hanging on the wall!") Someone asked, if you were a serial killer, what would the pattern of your crime spree be? What's your serial-killer fantasy modus operandi?

We all thought about it -- his friend had a good one, where he only kills people who look like faces from the Guess Who game. (Cards do not actually talk.) Well, my creativity bone has been broken lately, so my mind was stuck on board games, but I settled on a Monopoly killing spree, where I murder someone living on each street of the Monopoly board, beginning with Mediterranean Avenue. Anyway, this provoked some great discussion, and we eventually turned this idea into a movie pitch. So, presenting...



MONOPOLY
Go to jail. Go directly to jail.


Open: a routine murder scene in Atlantic City. A poor immigrant mother is found dead in her apartment at 60 Mediterranean Avenue. Absolutely no leads -- no prints or any traces of evidence. Baffled and exhausted, disillusioned police detective Scott Cannon returns to his apartment and argues with his wife (a slightly run-down Gwyneth Paltrow) before crashing on his couch. (A Monopoly box sits unobtrusively on top of his bookshelf, almost indistinguishable from the clutter of the dirty apartment.) Cannon is awoken in the middle of the night by a cell phone call -- it's the Token Black Police Chief (Denzel Washington), and "you'd better come see this".

This time, a more gruesome murder scene. For some reason, the modest house's Title Deed (Baltic Avenue!) is face-up on the floor next to the victim -- "Was there a deed at the first scene?" The next day, we see the news and the city is in a panic over the murders and -- breaking news! -- a body was found hanging from the local IRS office. (Income Tax!) Cannon, enjoying a cup of coffee and watching the news on his day off, glances at the Monopoly board sitting on top of his book shelf, and we get a cut to him back at the station, frantically sweeping papers off the Chief's to clear room for a Monopoly board. Requisite "this is no time for games, Scott!" comment from the Chief, as he scoffs at Cannon's crackpot "Monopoly theory."

But when a train bound for Reading, PA is bombed the next day, killing 12 and injuring dozens, the media puts the pieces together too and sends Atlantic City into a frenzy over the Monopoly Killer. Cannon is assigned to the case with his tough-love, hotheaded partner, Jackson Carr (the guy from the "Make 7, Up Yours" ads).

Aware of the killer's M.O., people on the affected streets (e.g., Oriental, Vermont, and Connecticut Avenues) flee en masse. Enter sleazy real estate dealer Harry "Pennybags" Wormwood (Danny DeVito, reprising his role from Matilda). Since nobody wants to be on a street where they know they could be killed, Wormwood buys up entire blocks of dirt-cheap real estate, selling the majority of the plots to mysterious Iron Horse Enterprises. Wormwood, living large in his new-found riches and sporting a three-piece suit and top hat, refuses to cooperate with Cannon or the police, stating he was simply in the right place at the right time, and that he is selling the land to the highest bidder, no questions asked. (You're not gonna believe this, but officials find no record of Iron Horse Enterprises existing ANYWHERE.)

The police have more problems still, as the local Federal prison is bombed, resulting in a massive jail break. (Headline of the paper that Carr disgustedly slams on the table: GET OUT OF JAIL FREE?) The resulting petty crime spree, combined with the disabling of the city's water system, turns Atlantic City into a lawless anarchy for those remaining within the city limits.

The plot thickens as massive, bright-red structures begin to pop up on the properties sold by Wormwood, and the story gains national attention as the crime spree spreads out from Atlantic City into the rest of the country (New York Ave., Illinois Ave., Kentucky Ave.) There are still no leads and no clues as to who the perpetrators may be, save for Wormwood and his enigmatic business partners. The killing spree, finally, becomes a race against the clock as the nation realizes that it's only a matter of time before the next target becomes Pennsylvania Avenue -- best known for its 1600 block in Washington, D.C.: the White House.



I don't know if that's going to win any Oscars, but you can't convince me this would be worse than Cop Out. You just can't. If I forgot anything, or if I'm missing any obvious gratuitous Monopoly references -- perhaps the villain's spite comes from only winning Second Prize in a beauty contest? -- let me know. Other possible board games to make into movies: Sorry, Stratego, Don't Wake Daddy, Scrabble?

More as it comes to me. Keep checking the Delicious and Twitter feeds; I update Twitter a lot, and I'll try to remember to bookmark interesting things on Delicious again.