29 June 2009
Quick Hit 18:10
I understand that Michael Jackson is maybe one of the five biggest celebrity deaths of my lifetime. And certainly, especially lately, I've been sensitive to people's deaths (and the people who love them).
But I think that this weekend is a sign of things to come. Four celebrity deaths this weekend -- Billy Mays, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and of course the King of Pop -- prove a long-standing theory of mine. In the past 30-40 years, we have accumulated so many celebrities through TV, film, and music. We also have infinitely more news coverage than we have had in the past. We have a ton of famous people and they're all getting older. Someday, we will not even have real "news" anymore. The news broadcasts will just be feature after feature dedicated to the memory of the day's list of celebrities who have passed. Every awards show -- Oscars, Tonys, Emmys -- will eschew its modern awards in favor of a rolling list of Lifetime Achievement Awards.
I don't know. I don't mean to desensitize this, but I just think that our celebrity-obsessed culture is spinning out of control. (Barbaro, anyone?)
25 June 2009
Never Graduate 12:46
Do you remember the commercials they had during the NCAA Tournament that focused on people in real life fixated on college rivalries from years past? For example: the one with the guy surrounded by Texas Longhorns stuff, celebrating his daughter's birthday glumly because it falls on the same day as the 2003 Final Four game where Carmelo Anthony and Syracuse picked Texas apart?
No?
Here it is.
With that in mind, here is my...
Commercial Idea!
A blazing house is the first image. Intense music comes in as we cut to a low-angle tracking shot of a fire engine screaming down the street. The firefighters pull up and run out of the car. We follow over the shoulder of one firefighter in particular who has a Michigan "block M" decal on his uniform. He grabs his axe -- painted yellow and blue -- and runs into the blaze alone. At this point, it cuts to dark, shaky, Blair Witch-style camerawork following the firefighter through the house. The music stops and he perks up after hearing a young voice shout "Help!" He darts up the stairs, dodging falling beams, and runs into the room where the voice is coming from.
He immediately sees a young boy of 10 or so trapped under a burning beam, who screams and cries for the firefighter to save him. The fireman rushes over, but just before he reaches the child, he looks to the wall and notices an Ohio State football poster, an Ohio State pennant, and a replica Buckeye helmet sitting on his dresser. Cut back to the firefighter's face as he looks stern and PISSED. As he turns, cut back to the crying kid who reaches his hand out in desperation. Cut back to the firefighter running out of the room, a big Michigan decal on the back of his uniform.
Sorry, I know this is awful, but come on, it would be kind of funny.
No?
Here it is.
With that in mind, here is my...
Commercial Idea!
A blazing house is the first image. Intense music comes in as we cut to a low-angle tracking shot of a fire engine screaming down the street. The firefighters pull up and run out of the car. We follow over the shoulder of one firefighter in particular who has a Michigan "block M" decal on his uniform. He grabs his axe -- painted yellow and blue -- and runs into the blaze alone. At this point, it cuts to dark, shaky, Blair Witch-style camerawork following the firefighter through the house. The music stops and he perks up after hearing a young voice shout "Help!" He darts up the stairs, dodging falling beams, and runs into the room where the voice is coming from.
He immediately sees a young boy of 10 or so trapped under a burning beam, who screams and cries for the firefighter to save him. The fireman rushes over, but just before he reaches the child, he looks to the wall and notices an Ohio State football poster, an Ohio State pennant, and a replica Buckeye helmet sitting on his dresser. Cut back to the firefighter's face as he looks stern and PISSED. As he turns, cut back to the crying kid who reaches his hand out in desperation. Cut back to the firefighter running out of the room, a big Michigan decal on the back of his uniform.
Sorry, I know this is awful, but come on, it would be kind of funny.
X is like Y 00:20
The US Open was this past week. Lucas Glover won. Forgive me for not being more excited. I, for one, root for the brand names -- or at least for brand names to make shots and be in contention -- because it lends itself to more exciting golf. I'm happy for Lucas Glover and I'm sure he's having the best sex of his life, but I'll take the Tigers and Phils* of the world over the Michael Campbells of the world any day.
* - I am NOT a tunnel-visioned, moron "Tiger or Phil" golf person. There are tons of other great stories and exciting players that I follow from week to week. I also don't understand when rooting for Tiger or Phil had to be a mutually exclusive thing. I was FIRED UP when Phil won his first Major (the 2005 Masters). I also love watching Tiger play. It's not good versus evil. Basically I'm trying to say that I started watching golf before the 2008 "Tiger vs. Rocco" US Open, and that I'm not buying the ESPN "choose a side" bullshit for Tiger and Phil.
One common complaint about golf fans is that some of them wear golf spikes to the tournaments. All I can say is that I AGREE A THOUSAND TIMES. Sorry, guys, but Miguel Ángel Jiménez isn't going to pull up lame on the 15th fairway and ask you to finish the round -- "thank God you were wearing your golf spikes!" Is wearing spikes as a spectator at a golf tournament supposed to be some show of "true" fandom? To indicate a level of equality with the competitors?
Simile Contest! I wanna see your entries too!
Complete the sentence:
Wearing spikes to a golf tournament is like...
There are probably plenty more... what are they?
* - I am NOT a tunnel-visioned, moron "Tiger or Phil" golf person. There are tons of other great stories and exciting players that I follow from week to week. I also don't understand when rooting for Tiger or Phil had to be a mutually exclusive thing. I was FIRED UP when Phil won his first Major (the 2005 Masters). I also love watching Tiger play. It's not good versus evil. Basically I'm trying to say that I started watching golf before the 2008 "Tiger vs. Rocco" US Open, and that I'm not buying the ESPN "choose a side" bullshit for Tiger and Phil.
One common complaint about golf fans is that some of them wear golf spikes to the tournaments. All I can say is that I AGREE A THOUSAND TIMES. Sorry, guys, but Miguel Ángel Jiménez isn't going to pull up lame on the 15th fairway and ask you to finish the round -- "thank God you were wearing your golf spikes!" Is wearing spikes as a spectator at a golf tournament supposed to be some show of "true" fandom? To indicate a level of equality with the competitors?
Simile Contest! I wanna see your entries too!
Complete the sentence:
Wearing spikes to a golf tournament is like...
- ...wearing a tuxedo to a symphony orchestra concert. Well, people do this anyway, I guess. But you're a different breed if you KNOW that if the second desk viola player goes down -- or heaven forbid the CONDUCTOR! -- you can save the day because you got an A- in high school choir. (Exception made if you have the special sweatpants tuxedo.) (No disrespect intended to Phil Myers. He's my hero. He just literally does have a special sweatpants tuxedo.)
- ...wearing the official band t-shirt to their concert. How insecure are you? The kind of people who get into arguments about being a "true" fan and things like that drive me crazy. Know why? WHO CARES. Do you think Lars Ulrich really cares if you're a "true" Metallica fan? No. He cares that you buy his CD, and his posters, and tickets to his concerts, where you gobble up overpriced swag to prove your fandom. Same with sports teams. Like... JT the Brick always talks about wanting to hear from "true" fans on his show. I know it's his shtick, but if there is any less interesting a conversation in the world than who is/isn't a "true" fan, I don't know what. Every team has fair-weather fans. You'll never be able to change it. Be confident enough in yourself to know you were there all along.
- ...wearing sea captain's gear on a scenic boat tour.
- ...bringing a firefighter's hatchet to a bonfire.
- ...carrying an ocarina to some old castle or ruins you're touring.
- ...wearing a green plastic visor to an accounting class.
- ...wearing a mechanic's jumpsuit with your name written on a patch in script when you get your oil changed.
There are probably plenty more... what are they?
21 June 2009
Instant Replay in Baseball: Some Scuttlebutt 22:22
Baseball, more than any other sport, is governed by fussy traditionalists who vehemently resist change. (For a good example of this problem and how to fight it, check out the amazing work at the now-defunct Fire Joe Morgan -- Michael Schur's Cousin Mose's baseball blog, for you Office fans.) I understand and agree that the simple, pastoral, un-technologified nature of baseball is part of its appeal, but at the same time, the game could stand to modernize a bit. It's time to take some of the subjectivity out of baseball and implement some sort of replay review beyond what we currently have to help baseball keep up with the other sports.
Replay review on home runs has already been put into place and all the old farts who claimed it would become a big part of the game and slow it to a sloth's pace have been wrong. (Just don't tell Brian Bruney.) A replay review is only needed for the closest home run calls -- teams will go weeks without seeing one -- and the replays haven't taken significantly longer than the average seventh-inning stretch. The logical next step is to allow replay for other calls, preferably as ordered by the manager who believes he got the short end of the proverbial stick.
This is where the baseball fundamentalists mount their high horse and talk about how replay will ruin the game. And they're partly right: replay COULD ruin the game. If replays become too frequent and take too much time, baseball will head down the same road already traveled by football. Modern football games -- especially NFL games -- are dominated by challenges and replay reviews. It seems to me that video reviews in football have almost become bigger than the game. Every close play is now carefully and meticulously scrutinized, and in a commendable effort to "get the call right," the league has now erred on the side of reviewing too much. Most people don't seem to notice, because, as ESPN drills into your head every single day, "the NFL is king," but I think that the NFL would be better off with a slightly scaled-down version of what it has now, where replays aid the officials, but don't take their places. NFL games are slowly creeping into the 3.5 to 4 hour range, and the number of media timeouts due to challenges help neither the fans watching at home, nor the fans packed into the stadium.
So, how do we avoid a similar fate with baseball? Simple, I think. Here's the plan: In addition to automatic reviews of close home runs, each team gets one replay review per game. Win or lose that one "challenge," that is IT. This will allow umpires to get the game's most important calls right but still keep replay review to an absolute minimum. How do we ensure that replay won't become too intrusive or frequent? Easy. Since each team only gets one replay no matter what, managers aren't going to be quick on the trigger finger. You don't want to challenge a meaningless infield single in the fourth inning -- no matter how awful the call was -- because you don't want to be caught with your pants down when the umpire blows the call at home on your game-winning RBI in the ninth! Thus, most games will probably end with one or both managers not even using a challenge, since they won't want to waste them early and there may not be a need to use them late.
There's a lot to like here. Managers, players, umpires and fans will get to see the game's most important calls made correctly more often. As long as the replays can be as efficient and quick as they have been for the home run calls, a maximum of two of them per game will not significantly impact the length of games. Fans -- especially DH haters -- will enjoy the addition of an extra layer of strategy to the game. (Should they challenge here? Is it worth trading an out to keep the review? What if they need it later?)
Finally, like it or not (and I do not), baseball will benefit from the added "water cooler talk" -- i.e., scuttlebutt. After replay is introduced, the day after a big game, everyone will be able to talk about the big call from last night: did the umps get it right or wrong, was it the right time to challenge, etc. I still think that adding challenges was one of the smartest things the NFL ever did for that very reason. The way America's Pastime has been struggling, its administration might be wise to try to copy some of the things the NFL is doing right.
This is far from a perfect system, especially as I worded it here. The fine print of my proposal is available in this post from THE MANUAL BUZZER, but I felt the need to put this out there again on this blog, because it's something I'm passionate about, and because it's a reasonable, modest proposal that I think most baseball fans -- traditionalist or not -- could agree on. What do you think? Go ahead and shoot down my idea, or leave your own in the comments. An idea like this will NEVER take without some discussion and discourse from baseball fans; the Commissioner needs to know that his fans would appreciate instant replay!
Replay review on home runs has already been put into place and all the old farts who claimed it would become a big part of the game and slow it to a sloth's pace have been wrong. (Just don't tell Brian Bruney.) A replay review is only needed for the closest home run calls -- teams will go weeks without seeing one -- and the replays haven't taken significantly longer than the average seventh-inning stretch. The logical next step is to allow replay for other calls, preferably as ordered by the manager who believes he got the short end of the proverbial stick.
This is where the baseball fundamentalists mount their high horse and talk about how replay will ruin the game. And they're partly right: replay COULD ruin the game. If replays become too frequent and take too much time, baseball will head down the same road already traveled by football. Modern football games -- especially NFL games -- are dominated by challenges and replay reviews. It seems to me that video reviews in football have almost become bigger than the game. Every close play is now carefully and meticulously scrutinized, and in a commendable effort to "get the call right," the league has now erred on the side of reviewing too much. Most people don't seem to notice, because, as ESPN drills into your head every single day, "the NFL is king," but I think that the NFL would be better off with a slightly scaled-down version of what it has now, where replays aid the officials, but don't take their places. NFL games are slowly creeping into the 3.5 to 4 hour range, and the number of media timeouts due to challenges help neither the fans watching at home, nor the fans packed into the stadium.
So, how do we avoid a similar fate with baseball? Simple, I think. Here's the plan: In addition to automatic reviews of close home runs, each team gets one replay review per game. Win or lose that one "challenge," that is IT. This will allow umpires to get the game's most important calls right but still keep replay review to an absolute minimum. How do we ensure that replay won't become too intrusive or frequent? Easy. Since each team only gets one replay no matter what, managers aren't going to be quick on the trigger finger. You don't want to challenge a meaningless infield single in the fourth inning -- no matter how awful the call was -- because you don't want to be caught with your pants down when the umpire blows the call at home on your game-winning RBI in the ninth! Thus, most games will probably end with one or both managers not even using a challenge, since they won't want to waste them early and there may not be a need to use them late.
There's a lot to like here. Managers, players, umpires and fans will get to see the game's most important calls made correctly more often. As long as the replays can be as efficient and quick as they have been for the home run calls, a maximum of two of them per game will not significantly impact the length of games. Fans -- especially DH haters -- will enjoy the addition of an extra layer of strategy to the game. (Should they challenge here? Is it worth trading an out to keep the review? What if they need it later?)
Finally, like it or not (and I do not), baseball will benefit from the added "water cooler talk" -- i.e., scuttlebutt. After replay is introduced, the day after a big game, everyone will be able to talk about the big call from last night: did the umps get it right or wrong, was it the right time to challenge, etc. I still think that adding challenges was one of the smartest things the NFL ever did for that very reason. The way America's Pastime has been struggling, its administration might be wise to try to copy some of the things the NFL is doing right.This is far from a perfect system, especially as I worded it here. The fine print of my proposal is available in this post from THE MANUAL BUZZER, but I felt the need to put this out there again on this blog, because it's something I'm passionate about, and because it's a reasonable, modest proposal that I think most baseball fans -- traditionalist or not -- could agree on. What do you think? Go ahead and shoot down my idea, or leave your own in the comments. An idea like this will NEVER take without some discussion and discourse from baseball fans; the Commissioner needs to know that his fans would appreciate instant replay!
19 June 2009
BLUE PAGES 19:54
What the hell are the Yankees thinking trotting Chien-Ming Wang out there over and over again? What are they trying to prove? I understand, he's had a couple of really good years. But none of those years is this year. Wang, for whatever reason, just hasn't figured it out, and I think the time has come to stop starting him out of loyalty.
Then again... Maybe they're starting him because of a lack of a better choice. I was upset that they chose Wang over "young," "Yankees' top prospect" Phil Hughes for the starting rotation, but Hughes hasn't exactly been the next coming of Sandy Koufax, either. Given how this year has gone for them both, it might be a lose-lose scenario. Just look for yourself.
Hughes...
...or Wang?
Yup, screwed either way.
Then again... Maybe they're starting him because of a lack of a better choice. I was upset that they chose Wang over "young," "Yankees' top prospect" Phil Hughes for the starting rotation, but Hughes hasn't exactly been the next coming of Sandy Koufax, either. Given how this year has gone for them both, it might be a lose-lose scenario. Just look for yourself.
Hughes...
...or Wang?
Yup, screwed either way.
Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of... Dammit all. 19:14
I was browsing GameFAQs a while back because, well, why not, and I noticed that they had a cool feature going: Best. Game. Ever. It's over now, but this was a massive single-elimination tournament of 128 video games, sorted by era, whose results were voted on by users. I was late jumping on this train, and the thing has already ended. Here's a shot of what the regional finals, quarters, and semis looked like:
GameFAQs.com
GameFAQs.com
A few thoughts about this: isn't it telling that the only game companies represented here -- with the exception of Resident Evil 4 and MGS4 -- are Nintendo and Square? And that the Final Four™ ended up being all Zelda and Final Fantasy? It speaks volumes to the quality that Nintendo and Square demand of their signature franchises. Both Zelda and Final Fantasy have had a few duds -- Zelda 2: Adventures of Link, and Final Fantasy IIj, most notably -- but these are by most counts the most beloved franchises among all games. I think FFX might have advanced a little too far, though. Not that it's not great, but to me it's in the second tier of Final Fantasy games.
Anyway, they don't show it there, but Ocarina of Time won the "Best. Game. Ever." title. Hard to argue with that. Seeing this made me remember how great it really was, and made me want to play it. So, wouldn't you know, I did. I was really sick this week and had nothing better to do, either. Might as well keep myself busy if I'm just going to be sitting on the couch.
I was trucking along, and considering myself somewhat of a crafty Zelda veteran, I decided to exploit a well-known glitch in OoT and reward myself with an extra bottle. To do this, though, requires "overwriting" another item from the inventory with the bottle. (For an absurd example not of my doing, see below...)
Anyway, they don't show it there, but Ocarina of Time won the "Best. Game. Ever." title. Hard to argue with that. Seeing this made me remember how great it really was, and made me want to play it. So, wouldn't you know, I did. I was really sick this week and had nothing better to do, either. Might as well keep myself busy if I'm just going to be sitting on the couch.
I was trucking along, and considering myself somewhat of a crafty Zelda veteran, I decided to exploit a well-known glitch in OoT and reward myself with an extra bottle. To do this, though, requires "overwriting" another item from the inventory with the bottle. (For an absurd example not of my doing, see below...)
Uh, might want to hang on to the Bow, dude.
What to replace? I wondered... then it hit me! Bombchus, the pointless little mouse bombs that run up walls and blow shit up -- cool idea, but completely useless in the game. It worked great. Even though I never needed the extra bottle, it was cool to have.
Until I got to Ganon's Castle at the very end of the game and saw a switch only Bombchus could reach. And I opened a chest that contained Bombchus, but my bottle remained in the inventory.
So about 40 minutes from the end of a game I've already beaten, I'm SOL for using a cheat I completely didn't need. So frustrating. Oh well. Time to start a new file, I guess, and do it all over.
Until I got to Ganon's Castle at the very end of the game and saw a switch only Bombchus could reach. And I opened a chest that contained Bombchus, but my bottle remained in the inventory.
So about 40 minutes from the end of a game I've already beaten, I'm SOL for using a cheat I completely didn't need. So frustrating. Oh well. Time to start a new file, I guess, and do it all over.
18 June 2009
Linkdump: 6/19 17:52
Lots of times, there are things online that I like. Documenting them is as much -- if not more -- a service for me than for you, the loyal viewer. But here goes anyway.
http://www.cnycentral.com/entertainment/forms.aspx?id=1347 - NBC3 in Syracuse's Promotions Page
To quote the great Pappy Chalmers, "YOU'RE GETTIN' A LEATHER RECLINER!!!" Vaguely reminiscent of the Dunk and Bright "Action in the Lane" promotion at SU hoops games. Hm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvTNyKIGXiI&feature=player_embedded - The Wrestling Believer
h/t: Danny Macintosh
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105400872&ft=1&f=13 - Woody Allen On Life, Films And 'Whatever Works' (NPR)
Woody Allen's got a new film coming out, starring Larry David as a professor who marries someone 40 years his junior... and yet he still manages to make a pretty convincing case that it's not autobiographical. Picturing Woody Allen in a white t-shirt, cracking open an ice-cold Pabst and watching a baseball game, makes me giggle.
And finally...
http://deadspin.com/5292816/ohio-state-fan-dots-the-i-in-iranian-revolution - Ohio State Fan Dots The "I" In Iranian Revolution (Deadspin)
Quoting Deadspin...
Gaaaahahahahaha.
http://www.papabert.com/Stadium-Sippin%27-Seat/Papa-Bert-Stadium-Sippin%27-Seat-Deluxe-Kit.asp - The Sneaky Drinking Headquarters
This is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Forget the pregnant look of the wearable "beer gut" -- this is about as inconsp
icuous as 20 shots gets. (Although filling that thing with nacho cheese would be kinda cool.) Check out the other crap on that site, too... The Wine Rack, the fill-able bra, serves a dual purpose for sex for women (get you drunk, make you more attractive HEY OH) and is perhaps the most deftly named product, uh, ever.
h/t: EDSBS
icuous as 20 shots gets. (Although filling that thing with nacho cheese would be kinda cool.) Check out the other crap on that site, too... The Wine Rack, the fill-able bra, serves a dual purpose for sex for women (get you drunk, make you more attractive HEY OH) and is perhaps the most deftly named product, uh, ever.h/t: EDSBS
http://www.cnycentral.com/entertainment/forms.aspx?id=1347 - NBC3 in Syracuse's Promotions Page
To quote the great Pappy Chalmers, "YOU'RE GETTIN' A LEATHER RECLINER!!!" Vaguely reminiscent of the Dunk and Bright "Action in the Lane" promotion at SU hoops games. Hm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvTNyKIGXiI&feature=player_embedded - The Wrestling Believer
h/t: Danny Macintosh
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105400872&ft=1&f=13 - Woody Allen On Life, Films And 'Whatever Works' (NPR)
Woody Allen's got a new film coming out, starring Larry David as a professor who marries someone 40 years his junior... and yet he still manages to make a pretty convincing case that it's not autobiographical. Picturing Woody Allen in a white t-shirt, cracking open an ice-cold Pabst and watching a baseball game, makes me giggle.
And finally...
http://deadspin.com/5292816/ohio-state-fan-dots-the-i-in-iranian-revolution - Ohio State Fan Dots The "I" In Iranian Revolution (Deadspin)
Quoting Deadspin...
You've got to be kidding me. A young gentleman in Buckeye attire is now the poster child for freedom in Iran. Let's just hope the Revolutionary Guard doesn't recruit in Florida.
Gaaaahahahahaha.
Things I Have Thought Of 17:44
Ideas I've Had
Don't steal them!
* Laundromat/Restaurant - You bring your laundry and instructions for your clothes, hand them to the maitre d' (two loads only!) and sit down for a nice dinner! The service won't be especially fast -- this is a restaurant, not a McDonald's, and we need time to do the laundry -- but when you've enjoyed a modestly priced three-course meal, voila! Your laundry is clean and folded, and you're full. Everything would be covered under one blanket price -- the three-course meal and the laundry service. This would be perfect for middle-class couples looking for a night out and a break from laundry all at the same time. (Also for families!)
* Worldwide Umbrella Network - Umbrellas must be cheap to make because ballparks and promotional events give them away all the time. So as a rider on some important Congressional bill, include the following provision: The United States will produce about a billion national umbrellas. Every business and non-profit in the United States will receive about five. (Rough estimate.) Then, the National Umbrella Network can begin. When it's raining, you simply take one as you leave a participating entity from an area at the front of the building. When you arrive somewhere else, you put the umbrella away when you enter there. This way, umbrellas are always in stock wherever you are. You could always keep and carry your own umbrella, but there's no reason, because you could also use the National Umbrella Network. (Sounds like the healthcare issue, too.) No need to register or anything -- just take an umbrella, and leave an umbrella later. (Hoarding, of course, would be punishable by imprisonment.) Assuming this is a wild success on the domestic front, the operation would expand worldwide, creating a Worldwide Umbrella Network. IT JUST MAKES SENSE.
* Hot Dr. Pepper - Everyone loves their hot drinks: cocoa, tea, coffee, mate, etc. Everyone loves soda! (Except me, but that's a lie. I still love it, I just don't drink it anymore. Except when I drink.) The obvious connection is to combine the two. Boil up some Dr. Pepper and see what comes out the other end! If it's anything besides caramelized sugar on your tea kettle, it will probably be fantastic. I mean, how bad could it be? I really want to try this.
* Butter Soda - John and I tried to make this once, with... well... questionable results. Just melted butter and club soda. (When we tasted it, it wasn't pretty... to quote FFVII's Cid, "!@#$#$^#$@!##^$%^#$@#!!!") There's a potential ingredient that spruces it up a bit -- trade secret, of course -- but if we ever perfect this, we could be rich, having invented the next big thing at state fairs nationwide.
* Vodka Tea - This isn't like Irish Coffee -- normal, brewed coffee with Bailey's and Irish whiskey mixed in -- this is tea brewed with HOT VODKA INSTEAD OF HOT WATER. I know, the idea sounds phenomenal in theory, but I've tried it, and it's not really that good. Problem is, though, I used cheap shit. If I were to When I try this again, I will use a top-shelf vodka like Gray Goose to hopefully yield more delicious results. (Also to try: White Russian ice cream! And what about the same concept but dripping hot vodka through coffee grounds? Maybe some Three Olives grape vodka, for grape vodka coffee.)
* Rum Oatmeal, or R'oatmeal (for short) - Exceedingly simple: normal oatmeal made with hot water and milk (plus brown sugar to flavor), with a shot of spiced rum mixed in. In the words of the great Merill Howard Kalin, "Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!" If there can be butter rum ice cream, why not Rum & Spice R'oatmeal?
* Super S'mores - Use Low-Fat Chips Ahoy (the greatest mass-produced cookie ever) instead of graham crackers to make your s'more. (They have a sort of graham-y taste.) And you don't have to stop there! Split an Oreo, or use two Oreos, and try that! Or maybe a bagel. Or two pieces of French toast!
Don't steal them!
* Laundromat/Restaurant - You bring your laundry and instructions for your clothes, hand them to the maitre d' (two loads only!) and sit down for a nice dinner! The service won't be especially fast -- this is a restaurant, not a McDonald's, and we need time to do the laundry -- but when you've enjoyed a modestly priced three-course meal, voila! Your laundry is clean and folded, and you're full. Everything would be covered under one blanket price -- the three-course meal and the laundry service. This would be perfect for middle-class couples looking for a night out and a break from laundry all at the same time. (Also for families!)
* Worldwide Umbrella Network - Umbrellas must be cheap to make because ballparks and promotional events give them away all the time. So as a rider on some important Congressional bill, include the following provision: The United States will produce about a billion national umbrellas. Every business and non-profit in the United States will receive about five. (Rough estimate.) Then, the National Umbrella Network can begin. When it's raining, you simply take one as you leave a participating entity from an area at the front of the building. When you arrive somewhere else, you put the umbrella away when you enter there. This way, umbrellas are always in stock wherever you are. You could always keep and carry your own umbrella, but there's no reason, because you could also use the National Umbrella Network. (Sounds like the healthcare issue, too.) No need to register or anything -- just take an umbrella, and leave an umbrella later. (Hoarding, of course, would be punishable by imprisonment.) Assuming this is a wild success on the domestic front, the operation would expand worldwide, creating a Worldwide Umbrella Network. IT JUST MAKES SENSE.
* Hot Dr. Pepper - Everyone loves their hot drinks: cocoa, tea, coffee, mate, etc. Everyone loves soda! (Except me, but that's a lie. I still love it, I just don't drink it anymore. Except when I drink.) The obvious connection is to combine the two. Boil up some Dr. Pepper and see what comes out the other end! If it's anything besides caramelized sugar on your tea kettle, it will probably be fantastic. I mean, how bad could it be? I really want to try this.
* Butter Soda - John and I tried to make this once, with... well... questionable results. Just melted butter and club soda. (When we tasted it, it wasn't pretty... to quote FFVII's Cid, "!@#$#$^#$@!##^$%^#$@#!!!") There's a potential ingredient that spruces it up a bit -- trade secret, of course -- but if we ever perfect this, we could be rich, having invented the next big thing at state fairs nationwide.
* Vodka Tea - This isn't like Irish Coffee -- normal, brewed coffee with Bailey's and Irish whiskey mixed in -- this is tea brewed with HOT VODKA INSTEAD OF HOT WATER. I know, the idea sounds phenomenal in theory, but I've tried it, and it's not really that good. Problem is, though, I used cheap shit. If I were to When I try this again, I will use a top-shelf vodka like Gray Goose to hopefully yield more delicious results. (Also to try: White Russian ice cream! And what about the same concept but dripping hot vodka through coffee grounds? Maybe some Three Olives grape vodka, for grape vodka coffee.)
* Rum Oatmeal, or R'oatmeal (for short) - Exceedingly simple: normal oatmeal made with hot water and milk (plus brown sugar to flavor), with a shot of spiced rum mixed in. In the words of the great Merill Howard Kalin, "Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!" If there can be butter rum ice cream, why not Rum & Spice R'oatmeal?
* Super S'mores - Use Low-Fat Chips Ahoy (the greatest mass-produced cookie ever) instead of graham crackers to make your s'more. (They have a sort of graham-y taste.) And you don't have to stop there! Split an Oreo, or use two Oreos, and try that! Or maybe a bagel. Or two pieces of French toast!