If I Were Space Emperor...

At right: Clinton Declares Self President for Life, from the Onion in 2000

We all hate dictators here in America (unless we've installed them and propped them up), but you have to admit, being a dictator wouldn't be so bad. You can see why people would want to be a dictator, and why they would want to hang onto the position: you could have or do whatever the hell you want. With that in mind, I've given some thought lately to what mandates I would impose if I were Dictator of the World (or, better yet, Space Emperor [of Space]).

• Shotgun, no blitz, for life - People always fight over shotgun, because, honestly, who wants to ride in the back? The best conversation in the car is almost invariably between the two people in the front seat, and yeah, the leg room. So, instead of fighting with little brothers, my mom, or foreign dignitaries over front seat privileges, I could automatically trump any and all "shotgun" claims with my global law: I have shotgun, no blitz, for life.
  Punishment for noncompliance: death.
  
  
• Worldwide Plunger Network - Cut from the same cloth as my Worldwide Umbrella Network idea: every toilet in the entire world needs to have a working plunger next to it. Period. This isn't really a "network" because nobody's taking the plungers anywhere. They're just there: one plunger for each toilet in the world. No more awkwardly asking your friends for a plunger. You just unclog the toilet yourself, and that's that.
  Punishment for noncompliance: death.
  Punishment for stealing a plunger: torture, and then death.



• No more unforgivably bad covers of classic songs in car commercials - Perhaps the most famous incident of this was Saved by Zero, the enduring image of the 2009 World Series. But -- and I'm speaking without really having much outside of casual memories to go off -- there have been far too many classic rock songs bastardized in car commercials by new singers of the opposite sex, squeaky-clean instrumentals, and a general dumbed-down sound. Was the original "Space Oddity" not good enough for your commercial, Lincoln MKS? Just had to do it again with identical instrumentation and an inferior singer? Hm.
  Punishment for noncompliance: death at hands of original artist.