I've moved to a new city, once again far beyond the Vale of Onondaga, and I'm looking for a job. Not as fun as it sounds. I'm starting to feel a bit like the Wagon Fulla Pancakes and the Cheat as down-on-your-luck salesmen with all the rejections I'm getting. Actually, I'm not getting rejected. I'm getting nothing. I guess it's easier to just ignore something this day and age, where everything is done via email or fax, but it's frustrating no less. I've been applying to places all summer and have gotten nothing. I'm at the point where I would love an email back—any email back.
Dear Applicant:
Are you serious with this resume? Financial intern? What the hell does that even mean? You graduated with a useless degree for this position, you have no relevant experience, and we have no interest in ever hiring you, or even so much as hearing from you again. Ever. If you so much as attempt to contact our office regarding this opening, we will have our friends Sal and Vito pay you and your family a visit. If we were you, we'd just drop dead, you worthless sack of crap.
Respectfully,
Some Hiring Manager
THAT EMAIL WOULD MAKE MY DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT SOMEONE HAS READ AND CONSIDERED MY APPLICATION. In addition to responding to every conceivable anonymous post on craigslist (jobs section only, not getting freaky), I've started driving around and just looking for "Help Wanted" signs. Crude, but effective. It's hard to straight-up ignore someone who's in your face asking for an application, but it is easy to feign a language barrier if you work in a Japanese restaurant*. Based on what I've found and applied for... or something...
JOB OPTIONS
- Dollar Tree (or, as Ms. Junkins called it, the "DS")
PROS
Getting to secretly make fun of every customer for being poor;
It's right down the street—don't know if that bodes well for where I live or not;
Employee discount!!! Hello, Fig Newtons for only 72¢!
CONS
General Dollar Tree stench;
Only sell off-brand Oreos;
No quality, American-made merchandise in there! - GameStop
PROS
Employee discount—seriously this time. I could buy all the Insane Clown Posse crap I want, and it'd probably be, like, part of my job to play the latest games, man;
The place is air-conditioned and it closes at the reasonable hour of 21:00 (and doesn't open until like 11:00);
I could embrace my inner geek and do things like play the Final Fantasy XIII battle-music French-horn lick without fear of societal repercussions (not that I'd ever do that, even in private)...
CONS
The general Creatures that inhabit that place—have you ever spent any time in there? It's not good, and they tend to try to make the clerks their best friend;
Midnight releases of select titles would cause me to come home late at night, reeking of Red Bull and Slim Jims to boot;
I would become bitter and look at my customers as caricatures of their actual selves as I judge through my preconceived notions (obviously, as it's already started) - Some law firm I applied to on craigslist that didn't give out its name
PROS
Probably get paid pretty well as a paralegal/secretary/clerk-type dealie-o;
All the legal pads I could ever want (which is huge for me);
Poder hablar en español si es necesario
CONS
Knowing that any one single coworker will probably make more money any given day than I'll make in a year;
Knowing that any one single coworker will probably make more money any given year than I'll make in a decade;
Becoming resigned to this fact and starting a life as a career secretary for rich dudes - The local, big-city Symphony Orchestra
PROS
Getting to be around something I love and have a passion for;
Free concerts from an amazing performing group;
Working in the city proper, giving me a real local flavor;
Getting to work WITH people and not FOR them or in their assistance
CONS
Working with INCONSIDERATE JERKS WHO DO NOT REPLY TO CALLS OR EMAILS NO I'M NOT BITTER - The Airport
PROS
Perpetually singing the airport action-scene music from Dumb and Dumber like we did in Europe when we were late for a flight;
Being somewhere where people openly expect to be miserable and have to deal with horrible customer service, thus greatly lowering expectations for me and my coworkers;
Airplane jokes!
CONS
Perpetually thinking that I'm the very personification of Guster's Airport Song (ignore the weird music video)—"you'll be sellin' books at the airport"... ¡Viva Hudson News!
Dealing with stressed-out travelers;
Having to constantly remember whether or not "travelers" has one or two L's
There are lots more but I'm about spent here. Any awesome suggestions for where I should work?
* - yes, I know the Seinfeld host is Chinese.
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