Potent Potables

grandma wakemans, the next day

Tired of the same old drinks at the bar? Sure, everyone has an old standby mix drink, but sometimes you want to change it up and try something different! Impress your date or your friends by ordering a round of one of these hip new drinks at the bar this summer.

redneck dream
This drink was formerly known as the "Baghdad Pipe Bomb" - a name it gained from its similarity to the popular "Irish Car Bomb." In principle, they're the same drink: drop some liquor into some beer and chug. Instead of Guinness, though, you're using PBR, and instead of Jameson and Bailey's, you're using bottom-shelf vodka. It's not as bad as it sounds. In fact, it goes down really smoothly; the added alcohol from the vodka makes the PBR almost taste like a more expensive microbrew pale ale or something. The aftertaste is a kick in the throat, though. It's horrible. The name was changed due mostly to my being afraid of getting punched in the face when ordering this. The new name was an off-the-cuff suggestion from Kyle, a bartender at PJ Dorsey's in Syracuse, and a pretty damn good suggestion at that.

best served in: a dirty pint glass and a Confederate-flag shot glass
garnish with: what are you, some kinda queer?
pair with: dry-rubbed ribs and some corn on the cob that's been sitting in a hot pan for 4 hours


bark and stormy
A brainchild of legendary college football coach Howard Schnellenberger (or edsbs's caricature of him, at least), the Bark and Stormy is not a drink for the faint of heart. The original recipe calls simply for "dark rum poured over random tree bark in a tumbler." Although the drink is very young, there are already some variations. Some like to cut the rum with some lemon-lime soda, cola, or ginger ale, and one amateur mixologist has actually begun microwaving the bark until it sizzles before adding the the spirit.

garnish with: a tree branch or pine bough; leaves
watch out for: little pieces of bark ending up in your mouth
makes you so drunk that: it takes four tries to take a picture of it


low-cal irish coffee
An Irish coffee with no whipped cream; this is the Irish Coffee of choice when alcohol-infused whipped cream is not available.

pros: lower in calories than a normal Irish Coffee
cons: really hard to order in a manly way


grandma wakeman shot
A genius drink, simple in preparation yet elegant in presentation. Simply put, a Grandma Wakeman shot is a normal shot of liquor, taken not from a shot glass but from the eponymous Grandma Wakeman's antique china set. (You can substitute any name for Grandma Wakeman, depending on whose china you're using, but you can also use Grandma Wakeman as a generic name for this shot.)

name best repeated ad nauseam to the tune of: YEAH, ah ha, you know what it is... GRANDMA WAKEMAN GRANDMA WAKEMAN GRANDMA WAKEMAN GRANDMA WAKEMAN (also works for "Bark and Stormy")
chase with: lukewarm Keystone Ice or Stella Artois
Mario Kart 64 battle stage pairing: Skyscraper


privy to the new shit
A provisional name for a truly fantastic drink. At a recent party, a mix master known only as Benji had a hankering for White Russians after watching The Big Lebowski. ("Hey, hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!") Unfortunately, a key ingredient was missing: vodka. No matter, though, as the Kahlua, Bailey's, and alcohol-infused whipped cream made a delicious drink on their own. The addition of a liquefied E.L. Fudge cookie only enhanced the flavor of the other components, and this pidgin White Russian made its way into mix drink lore.

acceptable substitute cookies to blend in: low-fat chips ahoy (not because of calorie-counting but because they genuinely taste better; see also coke, diet)
will it blend? YES!!! (Preferably in a "Magic Bullet" blender)
pair with: those ridiculously good pita chips we had the other night



That about exhausts the recent drink catalog; the only other one that I think needs to be mentioned is the "Nuclear Bomb," like a Redneck Dream but instead of cheap beer and cheap vodka, you use the strongest beer and strongest spirit available. For instance, a Belgian Triple with Bacardi 151. (Have an ambulance on standby.)